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“A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses; it is an idea that possesses the mind.” – Robert Oxton Bolton
Ever felt that your negative view of someone else was holding you back from succeeding?
I was once coaching someone (let’s call him Larry) who hated his colleague (let’s call him Peter). This was not a case of mild dislike or professional distance; Larry couldn’t find anything positive to say about Peter. He genuinely believed that Peter’s every action towards him was intentionally malicious and this was affecting Larry’s focus at work, especially his performance in team meetings alongside Peter. Not just that, Larry’s sleep quality, sleep quantity and mood had nose-dived. Larry was wasting time and energy fretting about what to do about Peter.
Months later, Larry was back to his previously productive self, and could point to several actions and presumed motivations in Peter that were positive. Within six months Larry went on to get a higher profile job than he could have dreamed possible.
What changed? In between the “before” and “after”, Larry followed four steps with my help. (The good news is that you also can apply the steps Larry took, whether your limiting beliefs are about yourself, others, the past or the future.)
Step 1. Realised that his negative beliefs about Peter had (in the words of Robert Oxton Bolton) “possessed” him.
Step 2. Reflected on what told him he was starting to have those beliefs (e.g. higher heart rate, rising anger, feeling on edge) and on what was driving those beliefs (stress, assuming the worst about Peter).
Step 3. Devised two simple phrases that he could remember as positive triggers in the moment when he sensed he was about to be gripped by negative beliefs about Peter (see examples below).
Step 4. Referred to these positive triggers daily.
As well as understanding your attitudes and outlooks in more detail (step 2), the key is having a forcing mechanism (step 3). For Larry this was writing down two positive sentences, holding these in his mind and telling someone else about them (his wife).
Examples of these positive triggers include:
– pause and ask yourself a question such as ‘What impresses me about the other person?’ or ‘How is the other person feeling?’
– tell yourself something simple like ‘I am qualified to be here’
It is vital to practise these triggers in the moment when you feel yourself being affected, so regular reminders are necessary.
This whole process freed Larry to focus on his own performance and not get wound up by someone else’s shortcomings. Dealing with this negative belief about his colleague ultimately improved his performance, both in the short term and long term. His new, more balanced belief about Peter unblocked his ability to work more effectively.
What next?
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